It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I want to fling myself into the sun
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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