Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i've created a new STD.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
