you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
