yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!