It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
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There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
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Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls