Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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