Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just puked most of my soul out..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
