i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
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