Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
