No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
