He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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