i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
