my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
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The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
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Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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