My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
