I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
