i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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