im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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