Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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