i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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