Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
