I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
