You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
