So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
