Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
