My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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