I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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