You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
