FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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