yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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