also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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