my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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