Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
