We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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