I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
