Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
