I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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