Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
is wine microwaveable?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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