God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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