Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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