Got a toothbrush?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
