I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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