People in love make me want to vomit
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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