I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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