yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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