I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
