Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
