I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
even my farts smell like vagina
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
