i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
