when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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