How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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