I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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