Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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