I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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